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IMPORTANT MESSAGE: From The Jews To The Gentiles About The High Holidays
Dear Gentiles, Please read the following memo and remember, when we say 'Happy New Year' we don't mean the end of 2018.

by Jeff Dunetz
September 7, 2018

IMPORTANT MESSAGE: From The Jews To The Gentiles About The High Holidays

Well folks, it’s that September time of the year again and beginning Sunday night with Rosh Hashanah (translated as Head of the Year) through Yom Kippur and Sukkot, there are seven days we cannot work in a twenty-two day period.

Along with being the celebration of the Jewish New Year and the creation of the world by God, Rosh Hashanah begins the Yamim Noraim, the ten days of awe (that’s awe as in being God’s presence, not awwwww as in what you say when seeing an ugly baby but you don’t want to insult the infant’s grandparents who are showing you pictures while you are trying to pray during the High Holiday services). The ten days between the first day of Rosh Hashanah ending with the final blowing of the Shofar ending Yom Kippur is a time for serious introspection, a time to consider the sins of the previous year and atone for our wrongs.

Some of us will be flying down to Florida to celebrate this solemn time in God’s waiting room (Boca Raton) with Family (in New York State the law is that all Jews have to move to Florida once they hit 65 years old). Others in “our tribe” will be away from our computers for two and a half days Sunday night, Monday and Tuesday (and then back on Tuesday after sunset).

Now we’ve built a nice little internet here, so please behave yourselves while we are gone. Remember, we’re not asking–we’re telling. A few rules to consider:

  • Don’t talk about us while we’re gone. You know that stereotype about the Jews owning all the banks? That means with one phone call any of us can shut down your cash card and empty your bank account. Do you believe the stereotype? Do you really want to test us?

  • Don’t make a mess of the place, the cleaning lady was just here. Hey, we can see what you’re thinking, get that look off your face, it will freeze that way.

  • If you use the car, please refill the gas tank.

  • No guests while we’re gone. We’ve marked the liquor we know how much is in every bottle. Remember, we can treat you like adults, or we can treat you like kids…the choice is yours.

  • We left some brisket and kugel in the fridge in case you get hungry.

  • If you eat the brisket and/or kugel, please remember not to go swimming for at least an hour.

  • And for God’s Sake!!! Please put the brisket and/or kugel back in the fridge when you are done eating. Brisket makes excellent leftovers don’t spoil it for the rest of us. Besides, we don’t like to waste food—- people are starving in Africa.

  • Please stop slouching it will hurt your back. And don’t crack your knuckles, the sound is annoying, and you will get arthritis.

  • Please don’t run with scissors! You’ll put an eye out.

  • When you go outside remember to close the door, you don’t live in a barn.

  • We left the phone number of where we’ll be on the side of the fridge.

  • Oh and one more’s past labor day, put on a sweater and a hat. Not only will it keep you from getting cold, but it will make Al Gore cry. And don’t try to tell me none of your friends are wearing sweaters…if your friends jumped off the empire state building–would you?

Why do you have to do these things? Because I said so!

Thank you for understanding.

Love and remember to eat,

IMPORTANT MESSAGE: From The Jews To The Gentiles About The High Holidays

Jeff Dunetz

Jeff Dunetz is editor and publisher of the The Lid, and a weekly political columnist for the Jewish Star and TruthRevolt. He has also contributed to, HotAir, and PJ Media’s Tattler.


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